4 A.M.

I get these random urges to do some random around-the-house project.

And I get these urges late into the night.

So now I'm sitting here, waiting for the paint to dry in my kitchen so I can apply the second coat, and it is 3:58 a.m.

One would think I'd wait until the weekend, when I will actually have a bunch of free time. Or maybe just wait until tomorrow morning, when I could have at least a half a day to work on it.

But no, I decide to start painting an entire room at midnight, after purchasing the paint at 10 p.m.

But I find that when I make these random and impulsive decisions I am left with an awesome result! Here's hoping...

I've decided to go with really bright, springtime colors. Three of my living room walls were already a bright pink coral color. And so to accent it, I am painting the opposite wall a very light mint green.
But wait! That's not all! I'm also paint the wall which extends from my living room into my kitchen a very light blue.

Sooo my downstairs is now pink, green, blue, with accents of yellow and white. Sounds like a lot of colors eh? Well, it all seems to be working so far!! What a cute little apartment I live in :)

I keep thinking about someone else living here, and having all of my hard work go down the drain. It makes me somewhat sad, but I know that I will be able to enjoy it for another year. And so I will try and dwell on that.

I think I'm starting to mumble. Maybe it's because it's 3 a.m. Or maybe it's because I finally have some free time and so I'm trying to fit in all of the things I love to do: decorate the house, watch The Office, write a blog...

Come to think of it, I think that's exactly what this is. It makes perfect sense. I'm having all of these odd urges because I haven't had any time for just myself in weeks. And now that I have it, I feel the need to fill it!

I'm just a regular Sigmund Freud.

I guess it's time for that second coat...


xoxo
Elise

My Walk in the Woods

1,200 miles.

That’s approximately 2,586,000 steps.

That’s walking to my neighborhood Walmart about 324 times.

That’s about 20 hours of straight driving.

And that’s how far I plan to walk this summer.

           
You could say that fate intervened as I sat at my mundane desk job, clicking away at the keys. Or maybe it was just luck. But whatever it was, it changed my every plan for the summer and landed me an adventure worth the two and a half million steps it would take.

I was invited to embark on a three-month-long trek by a complete stranger. A journey through forest and across rock, stream and mud. A test of will, courage and strength.  A quarter of a year dedicated to eating trail mix, fighting away mosquitoes, beating back bears and carrying my life on my back. A time of tears, laughter, sorrow and realization. A heart-to-heart with nature. A heart-to-heart with my muscles as I convince them to not turn around, but to keep walking forward. A walk in the woods.

And I, being excitable and impulsive, said yes. 

The Appalachian Trail, in all of its glory, is approximately 2,184 miles long. It stretches from the northern-most tip of Georgia to the great Mount Katahdin in Maine.

Completed in 1937, the trail, also known as the AT, is visited by nearly three

million people a year, some of which are thru-hikers, those who hike the trail in its entirety,  some section hikers, those who hike a section at a time over a period of years,  and others merely visitors.

I am resigned to be a section hiker, as I only have three short summer months to walk, and the entire trail takes about six.            

I’ve hiked before, a part of the AT in fact. I’ve hiked in rain, cold weather, and even in wet clothes and uncomfortable shoes. But I’ve always had the delicious cold air-conditioner in my car to welcome me back into civilization. The taste of cold, crisp water to wet my dry, parched lips. And the feel of my soft, cotton bed to comfort me as I climb beneath the sheets after my long day’s walk.

I can now look forward to hot and sweaty days, lukewarm water, and my nylon sleeping bag with a half-deflated blow up mat underneath, accompanied by a lumpy camp pillow.                        

Call me crazy, but I welcome it.

Maybe it’s the thrill of the unknown and the unseen. Maybe it’s the thought of time not mattering and my fall semester classes a distant thought. Or maybe it’s being able to check one more thing off of my bucket list.

Before it was mine, it was my dad’s dream to hike the AT. He read all of the books, researched all of the websites, and even bought much of the gear. He’s a forest man by nature, and so it’s not hard to imagine him trekking through the woods and setting up camp.

I, on the other hand, love comfort. I am generally seen as somewhat of a girly-girl. I like to think I’m fashionable and rarely leave the house without makeup. I like long walks through the woods, but too like long bathes in the shower.

So I don’t blame people for the sideways squints they give me when I tell them I’ve decided to hike 1,200 miles this summer instead of reading a long romance novel on the beach or floating down the river with a cold beer in hand.           

And I’m sure they think I’ll give up, turn around and come home. Hell, I’ve even thought it. But I’m determined to stay the course, even as my muscles beg me not to.

But at this point, I’ve put in too much time, money and preparation to give turning back a second thought.

A few short weeks ago, my dad and I entered Bill Jackson’s, a large and rustic sports shop in Tampa, where the salesmen are experienced and ever helpful to point you toward the most expensive item.

I let my dad take the lead.

“She’s hiking the AT,” he said. “What kind of boots does she need?”

And it hit me. I’m really doing it. I’m hiking through the woods with a guy I barely know,
And with that, a big smile spread across my face.            

We went through the routine, tried on boot after boot, asked question after question, adjusted buckles and belts, and watched my money go down the drain.

My smile somewhat faded.
My breathable, wool, quick drying socks cost $20 a pair, and of course I need two.

My fancy, waterproof, olive-colored hiking boots were a pretty $135.

But I laid my foot down at the $200 rain jacket. That I just could not spend.

And so I ended my Saturday with my pockets $300 lighter, but my excitement ever heavier.   

My dad and I dug out his camping equipment and revisited stories of camping trips from long ago. We chatted about the trials of the trip and the tips I needed to know before leaving. He taught me how to tie a slipknot, showed me how to sling my food over a tree out of reach from the bears, and gave me what I needed most, support. However, he too isn’t sure if I can make the whole three months. But that gives me all the more incentive to keep going.

I was quite lucky in most regards, as my dad already had most of the equipment: a one-person tent, a pack which was a near perfect fit, a small cook stove, a nylon sleeping bag, trekking poles and more. A total bill that would have really put a dent in my pocket.

With all of the equipment laying at my feet, and the great outdoors spread out before me, how could I not go?

And so began the preparation.

I started to walk.  And I’ve dragged my trail partner, Trevar, no longer a total stranger, every step of the way.  He’s gracious enough to put up with my crazy ideas of what preparation is.

We’ve hiked to campus. We’ve camped in the rain. We’ve battled beetles and snakes, and huge spider webs too. We’ve hiked through dried up, flattened marshes filled with dead and broken trees. We’ve overflowed our cooking stoves and still eaten quite tasty meals, by camping standards. We’ve built fires and survived what goes bump in the night. We’ve realized our packs aren’t all that spacious and we’ve felt the just how solid the ground is as we try to get comfortable at night.

And we haven’t even left Gainesville.

Our trip is set for May 14. And the days are ever quickening. I still have rain gear to purchase, proper attire to find, food to pack and goodbyes to say.  And even though I feel I’m somewhat prepared for what’s to come, I don’t think it’s quite hit me just yet, that in less than a month I will be surrounded by nothing but trees and the sound of the crickets as they sing me to sleep.

Time won’t be of the essence and it won’t matter what day of the week it is or what time I go to sleep.            

And so my mantra of “GO, GO, GO” will soon be changing. I will be living for the moment and going wherever my feet take me.            

Sure, I’ll be bathing with wipes, drinking out of a water bladder, using a hole in the dirt as a toilet, and praying that I won’t find a spider in my tent. But that’s somehow all irrelevant.

Above all else, I’ll be walking.

Banana Bread

First off, let me say I apologize for not having posted in so long!!! But just to make it up to you all, I figured I would hop on the bandwagon and bake something! Mmmmm delicious. 

So I figured I would try out a banana bread recipe! I got my inspiration for this recipe from  Banana Bread Dot Com (yes, that's its name), which is dedicated to all kinds of banana breads. I really had no idea you could have so many variations. 

Well, I chose to make the moist banana bread, because I mean really, who wants dry bread? Not this guy!!!

After beginning my baking adventure, I realized I had no bread pan... which can be a problem when baking bread. 

So ladies and gentlemen! I give to you Banana Bread Cake!!!! Yes, that's right. You can have your bread and cake too!! Er... Nevermind. 

So the recipe is generally the same as the site's, but I did alter it just a tad. 

Moist Banana Bread

• 4 Mashed Bananas (use ripe ones)
• 1 cup sugar (you can use less, butttt I didn't ;) )
• 2 Large Eggs
• 1/2 Cup Vegetable Oil
• 2 Cups All Purpose Flour
• 1/2 Teaspoon Baking Powder
• 1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
• 1/2 Teaspoon Salt
• 1 Teaspoon Vanilla
•  1 Teaspoon Nutmeg
• 1 Teaspoon Cinnamon 
• 1/2 Cup Nuts (optional, but I used almonds. However, I think it would be better with walnuts or pecans) 

Yes, I do have a Marilyn sign in my kitchen!! 

1. Preheat your oven to 350 F and grease your loaf pan, or if you're like me, your cake pan ;).

2. Take a large bowl and add sugar, shortening (or oil), and eggs. Mix for a while and then add mashed bananas and mix some more. I didn't use beaters, just a whisk. 

Lily knows where the good stuff is!

3. Pour the batter into the loaf pan and bake for around one hour. Be careful not to over bake! It will take away the moistness! I found that closer to 45 minutes did the trick. Be aware that everyone's oven is different!

4. Let cool for a few minutes and eat!!!! MMM! 

If want the recipe to be even more moist, just add more nanners!

If you really want to jazz it up, slap on some peanut butter, or even some berries and a special syrup of your choice. It's delicious alone of course, especially for breakfast,  but if you want to make it more of a dessert, I suggest giving a little bit more of a sweet edge to it. 

Happy Baking!!!

xoxo

The Trouble with Bella...

So, I took a Vampire Stories class this semester and this is my final paper. While I do like Twilight, I believe that Bella is a terrible character and stand by what I say below. Just thought you might be interested in what you can see within the story, other than romance.

Vampire lore has developed many new facets within the last thirty years. It has seen the evolution of the woman’s role within vampire stories, rising from being the bled to becoming the bleeder. We have watched as the norms we have associated with vampires, such as garlic and wooden stakes, have been changed and even eliminated. But perhaps one of the most significant changes in vampire mythology is the weight placed upon romance. In older vampire films, women have become entranced by the vampire, but now, romances blossom, no matter how unlikely.

Perhaps the greatest example of these improbable romances is the teenage drama Twilight, a four part series following Bella, a high school girl void of a personality, and her perfectly sculpted, bloodsucking boyfriend Edward. The books, as well as films, take vampire mythology to a whole different level, transforming vampires into “vegetarians”, as they only drink animal blood, living diamonds, as they sparkle in the sun instead of burn, and avid mind readers as well as visionaries of the future. 

The novel itself, though wildly popular among schoolgirls and school moms alike, has received much grief and scrutiny for its simplistic writing style and lack of character development. Horror fiction novelist Stephen King said of the Twilight author, “Stephanie Meyer can’t write worth a darn.” Whether Meyer’s writing style is up to par is beside the point. It’s what she writes about that really lacks any depth.

One of the biggest issues within the novel is its main character, Bella Swan. It can’t be said that Bella is loveable, interesting, smart, funny, or even beautiful. She is your average teenage girl, nothing distinguishable or out of the ordinary. So why a 150 -year-old learned and experienced vampire would fall so deeply in love with her remains a mystery.

Bella is written in a way that any reader could place herself in Bella’s shoes. She has no interests or hobbies and does not excel in anything in particular, except for living her life totally and solely for Edward. Really, without Edward there would be no point for Bella.

In the essay “Vampire Love: The Second Sex Negotiates The Twenty-First Century”, Bonnie Mann refers to Bella as having a specialty of self-sacrifice and as being almost completely helpless. “She is prone to get bruises and scrapes just in the process of moving from one place to another.” (Mann, page 133)  And it’s really spot on. Bella becomes so dependent on Edward. He is saving her in just about every scene, whether it’s from hungry vamps or from tripping over a crack in the sidewalk.

Not only does Bella depend on Edward in a way that is almost sickening, but she also embodies the ideal woman of your mother’s generation. (Mann, page 132). She excels in cooking and doing laundry, taking care of her father throughout her stay in Forks. Mann compares Bella as being a “empty conduit of masculine desire” and being valued for “her prosperity alone.” (Mann, page 134)

In contrast, Edward is a perfectly sculpted, beautiful, well-traveled, articulate vampire who has seen the world and who has the world at his feet. One has to wonder what the two could find to talk about.  Perhaps he likes to feel like Superman, and so sticks with the person who most often needs saving.

One of the only interesting and unexpected aspects to Bella is her desire for sex.  However, though she is persistent, Edward continuously dismisses her, agreeing only to yield to her wishes if she agrees to marry him. Eventually, both parties’ wishes are met, but Bella is, in a sense, punished for wanting sexual pleasure. This yet again brings us back to a nineteenth century sort of woman.

Once Bella has succeeded in having sex with Edward, she is penalized over and over. Before sex, she was wed right out of high school, which Bella had never wanted. Once the act had been performed, she is covered in bruises, bed frames are broken, and then the unthinkable happens; Bella becomes pregnant. And not only must she go through the normal symptoms of pregnancy, but the fetus is literally killing her by the minute.  Her body is mangled, she is forced to drink human blood, and eventually the fetus must be eaten out of her, the skin of her stomach literally bitten away. If this isn’t enough to dispel a yearning for sexual desire, I don’t know what is.

Though Bella’s life revolves solely around a man, or vampire, Mann points out that there is a small facet of feminism within the novels. Another one of Bella’s desires is to become a vampire herself, not only to live eternally by Edward’s side, but also to be equals.  “A man and a woman have to be somewhat equal. One of them can’t always be swooping in and saving the other one.” (Mann quoting Twilight, page 141) Bella yearns to be like Edward and her wish is granted in the fourth book. She becomes like her lover, except quicker and stronger. In the end it will be Bella who saves the day, not Edward. It is really the only time we see Bella as a strong woman, though she really isn’t a woman at all anymore, but a monster of sorts.

Bella’s story does indeed end with her sweetheart, but in an offbeat sort of way. Mann makes the distinction between Bella’s ending and your average fairy tale happy ending. It is more of a nightmare in fact, in that Bella comes so close to death and then lives as undead. She erases herself and the life that she knew and gives it all to her love, becoming like Edward. She gives herself to him completely.    

         

The fact that so many women long for a romance like that of Twilight is somewhat worrisome. Realistically, these readers are longing for a relationship in which the man is overly-protective, at times controlling, and better than she in every sense. Understandably so, she longs to be wanted and to be protected.

Bella led a boring, not exceptionally happy life before she met Edward. In this, Meyer leads one to believe that the only way to find happiness is to find a man who will give meaning to your existence. Bella is once again unable to control anything that happens to her, not even her own destiny, and is a terrible role model for all women who read the saga. For anyone who tries to find significance through another, and not through themselves, is destined for failure.

Meyer has given women all over the world an impossible and unhealthy romance to delve into. Sure, it’d be fun to be bitten, but to be completely devoured? I think not. 

Eviscerate

I felt the urge to write a poem.
This is what I came up with.

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Black pillars in the sky,
Against shades of blue and gold.
Reaching e'er high.
Like demons to the soul.

Souls of young and aging,
Beautiful and dark.
It festers.
It is plaguing.
Stealing songs from broken lark.

It comes and stays like winter,
In a land where flowers grew.
It withers and it splinters,
Spinning webs of things untrue.

It gorges on mind and body,
Wreaking havoc on the soul.
Its airs are cold and haughty.
Its tactics strong and bold.

It takes charge of lungs and heart,
Causing breath to come up short.
Between mind and soul it darts.
Its goal to life abort.

Until weak and withered weary,
The giver shall collapse.
The taker and the dreary,
Alone shall deeply laugh.

Full of life and stolen joy,
It has feasted on the soul.
It is cunning and is coy.
Who next shall pay the toll?

The Beginning

A creative observation while on break between classes. Yes, I should be studying. No it's not creepy... right?

----------------------

She laughs at his joke. He smiles at her laughter. She sits in her leather arm chair, legs curled up, yelling at him to go to class. He leans in closer. You feel the tension.

They joke about little things, stories from the week. When he laughs, he moves in closer. Sometimes his hand rests on her knee, but he quickly brings it back, afraid of rejection.

Her dark brown hair rests on her bright blue shirt. A bobby-pin holds back her bangs. Her eyebrows are thick, but manicured too. She constantly plays with her water bottle, a habit of nerves. 

He wears khaki shorts and the cliche boat shoes. Sunglasses hang on his dark blue Alpha Chi Omega tee. He fiddles with his iPod. 

They're leaning even deeper now, comfortable in each other's company. In their own little world, giggling with each other constantly. 

The chemistry is obvious, but neither one gives in. She hits him with her bottle, an obvious flirtation. And eventually it's with her hand. The walls are coming down. The tension, breaking. 

You see it in his eyes. You hear it in her tone. It's the beginning of something, maybe the beginning of everything. 

Every gaze is more intense, every laugh is sweeter. Something more's about to happen. It's only a matter of moments...

And then it shatters. Time for class. 

He's running late. 

Red

“Beauty that dies the soonest has the longest life. Because it cannot keep itself for a day, we keep it forever. Because it can have existence only in memory, we give it immortality there.”

Twelve years ago today, my mother passed away. She was only 36 and had barely begun to live her life. Death takes away for reasons we cannot know, but it is our job to keep those gone alive in our memories. 

This is something I wrote a few months back while reminiscing about my mom. May her memory live forever.

Her bright red locks, swirling in the wind. Her laughter rising above a crowd. Her smile, lighting up a room. Her outwardness bringing out an inner self. Her charm, lighting up the sky. 

Bits and pieces of my mother float around in my head, threatening to float away. The smell of her pillows. The way she called me “chippy”.  The pistachios she kept in her purse for a mid day snack.  The way she cooked eggs in the microwave when she was in a hurry. Sometimes I can hear her voice, but as quickly as it comes, it is gone, like a memory that never existed. 

I remember the days she would take off of work, so I wouldn’t have to be alone. And not being able to leave the house in fear of receiving grief, as she obviously wasn’t “sick” as she had reported. 

I remember the little things. 

But there is so much that I don’t remember. and so much that is foggy. So much that I will never know. So much that I will never pass on. The woman who gave me life, whose life I know so little about.                                                                                                                        They say that time heals all pain. But time does more than heal. Time assists you in forgetting, whether you want to or not. Time will take your memory and slowly erase it, one fragment at a time.

As the days fly by, as they so quickly do, so too will their memory. Until all that is left is a distant face within a picture; a face you’re sure that you know, but can’t recall the details. A face which you know you loved, but can’t really remember why. 

My mother passed while listening to a message from me, explaining how I had finally lost my tooth. As my message came to an end, so did my mother, my voice the last she would hear; her voice, the first I had ever heard. 

You look into the mirror and ask yourself if this can really be happening. The answer is yes, it can. And it does. And it will continue to happen. Life without death cannot exist. Life and death go hand in hand. The giver and the taker. The beginning and the end.

I only remember bits and pieces of my mother, a lot of which I have learned from childhood videos. And as I grow older, memories like her smell and the sound of her laughter start to fade. And the tears come less frequently. Though in the still of the night, when I’m left alone with my thoughts, my mother sometimes comes to mind. and the emptiness of forgetting sinks in.

-----------------------------------------------

My mom visits me in my dreams occasionally, and I am reminded of what it is I've lost: a mother, a best friend, a confidante. Someone to help pick out my wedding dress, hold my hand when I first give birth, listen when I cry, laugh with me at night. A mother is so precious, and someone that I see so many take for granted. Cherish your mother. She gave and will continue to give you life. For a life without a mother isn't really a full life at all. 

I have been lucky enough to be blessed with an amazing family, who are always there. And the best Dad anyone could ask for. But nothing can ever really fill that void, that emptiness that was made when my mother passed. 

Take no one for granted in your life. Life is so sweet and oh so short. We cannot measure our moments for just as quickly as they come they are gone. 

Time moves on. It doesn't care who comes or goes. It is unfeeling and compassionless. And so too must we move on,  continuing on with our lives and living in the moment, for moments are all we have.

I love you Mommy. May you continue to look down on us from the heavens.

xoxo

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